If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
You Might Also Like
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Leaving the Barbers like
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.