If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?