HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?