Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running