Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”