im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
when dads have a rap battle
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water