I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog