[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Do not levitate over flowers
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium