A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?