Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …