Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
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I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
How to wake up a Beagle
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.