The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.