They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.