the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
You Might Also Like
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
When ur friends with white people
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion