the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
craving $300 all of a sudden
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.