watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
You Might Also Like
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all