Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
You Might Also Like
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.