@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

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@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

@shaun_vids

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

@chrisdowning

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

@Mom_Overboard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@Travon

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

@withanewname

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@dumbbeezie

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

@BlondAmbitionTO

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.