Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6
“But there’s a shark in tan..”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.