911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
You Might Also Like
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
(Gaming support cat.)
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”