*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No