How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Sharon I have some bad news
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.