Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You Might Also Like
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
i can’t wait that long
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes