The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Customize Your Wedding.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.