Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro