All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.