batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
How to draw a duck
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door