Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days