[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
this is funnier than any friends episode
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
When he asks for feet pics