My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Very good! 👍😂
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.