I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
(Gaming support cat.)
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.