“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are