4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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