interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat