Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-