Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*