do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*