son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I need to update my racial profile.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife