Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
It be like that sometimes 😆
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.