I love you…
…r dog.
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either