There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Britain be like
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Name this drama.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.