If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
You Might Also Like
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
hackers play passwordle
tis the season
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.