Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?