If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can’t talk my ride’s here
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out