ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.