If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?