They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”