[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You Might Also Like
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?