Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.