I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I identify as an antique shop.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.