My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You Might Also Like
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.