The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.